it's been raining here for the past week. It's making me depressed. I couldn't imagine living in Oregon or one of those states where its always gloomy like this. I'd probably die before even getting to write about it. Anyway, it's Tuesday Dec. 21st. 2010. I've been going to the gym 5 days a week stomachs still flabby as shit but i don't care because I feel so much better after leaving the gym. I like pushing myself as much as I can and seeing how far I can go. I love being drenched in my own sweat. I know that's disgusting but I'm not there to impress anyone. So bring it on.

There not much to do now that school is over. Actually, I take that back there's alot I can do there's just nothing i HAVE to do like homework or assigned reading ya dig? but nonetheless, I've been keeping busy by going to work, reading articles out of magazines, reading short stories, highlighting and cutting out pictures and things from magazines, working out, and watching movie here and there. Last night was nice, I watched a movie with my whole family we hadn't had the time to do it in a while but we did last night and I really enjoyed it. It wasn't planned we just all happened to be home on a cold and rainy day :) We watched The Kids Are Alright it was a different kind of movie very open-minded but quaint. I liked it.
Although I've been working my butt off on the elliptical I've been having a hard time sleeping. You'd think I'd be tired but I'm not. I don't really mind it though. Last night I couldn't sleep so I pulled a few things from the top self of my closet. Old writing assignments I kept from my English classes, poems mostly Bukowski, Atwood, and a 12x12 Black photo album that stored old pictures. I forgot about those pictures, those times and how fast time flys. How we change. It didn't make me sad. I wasn't nostalgic at all. That was then. I probably sound like a cold hearted person....but that's just me. I don't like living in the past dwelling on what was and all that. Pictures are nice they remind you of what you were doing your sophomore or junior year, what you wore who you hung out with but I don't wish I could go back.
In fact, I pulled the pages full of collages out from the transparent plastic slips and put the pictures away in a box. I'm going to use the black album to hold all of my favorite things. cut outs of articles, lyrics, quotes, anything and everything I want. I find that much more useful.
So I've been thinking (like always)about what it is I really enjoy doing, I enjoy doing alot of things but what to make my main focus....and I want to pursue acting- NOT for the fame just for the fun of it. I like to take on different characters and roles and see what's like to be something else. It sounds fun. Also, I'm going to continue writing. I want to take a writing class or join a writing group. whatever gets me to write more will be fine. I think it's especially important for me to be really honest with myself right now because I'm about to start a new chapter in my life. I'm going to immerse myself to a whole new city and I need not just want but NEED a purpose to be out there. I just want to try a new hobby and conquer my fears. yeah, I just admitted that I have fears. Whew. I'm an actual person! But I can change that and I will. Like Baz Luhrmann said in his class of '99 speech, "Do something everyday that scares you". It's hard to do something that scares you everyday but I can at least try. :) So I'm gonna put myself out there and just be me. I don't need to prove anything and I don't need to be anything I am just going to do what makes me happy. I want to discover myself.
and okay...just so I get this out of the way..Last night I cried, I thought I was a huge mess and felt very confused and maybe I am. I'm starting to realize now that sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down but that's life I'm not always going to be super happy or content so whatever emotion I am feeling I am going to embrace it.
I have the day off today which feels a little weird I'm not used to having a whole day to myself. The possibilities are endless. I could literally write until night. I could try to read as many articles as I can. Ugh it all sounds so nice. I could sleep-yuck, which would be SUCH a waste. No sleeping, at least not yet.

Unfortunately, my days off are limited as school (winter inter session) will be starting again Jan. 3rd. I'm going to try to get a geology class with a lab and a math class before Spring semester starts -Feb 14th :-/
Well, I'm gonna get to it. I have a couple exciting things to read and do.

Due to some of the content on this particular blog I am going to end it with a quote by Kerouac I find fitting :)
“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.””