fcuk i want to scream!!! my head is pounding it hurts so bad. i dont know if its because i haven't ate all day or because im coming down from these all natural herbal pills (an alternate to coffee). i've stopped drinking alcohol smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. it feels good. ive also been visiting the gym five days a week.
because the new year is approaching i have decided to start fresh. i want to be "pure" and clean again. so i have decided to detoxify my body from all
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
i really feel like Claire Danes in Shopgirl...not only because she's dating an older man who lives in LA (she lives in silverlake HAHA...) but especially after the part when Steve Martin(the guy she is seeing) tells her he's leaving for New york for a business trip..but is looking forward to it because he might meet someone he could actually start a family with. Claire Danes feels really shitty afterwards and realizes that she was very naive in believing this guy ever took her seriously. and She says...."I could either hurt now, or hurt later" and she takes her things and leaves him.
so it's Christmas today and I was supposed to be snowboarding in big bear and sipping hot cocoa in a cabin with the guy I'm or WAS dating. but all that changed when he called me Wednesday night and decided to blow me off and go to China. and that's where he is now Beijing. and I'm here. which I do not mind at all I'm very glad I am spending time with my family but I'm pretty sure I'm done talking to him. If the res one pet peeve I have it's when people blow me off. I find it so rude and inconsiderate and I just can't deal with people that do that to me. Anyway life goes on and that was that. Another male that is out of my life is Kitty. Kitty was picked up yesterday and he is now going to be living with a couple and their 7 year old daughter. I wish them luck. He is so much too handle.
Last night was New Years Eve, and that's when me and my extended family(that lives here) get together to celebrate Christmas. We celebrated at my aunts house which is also in Huntington Beach. More family than I expected to be there was there and it was soo good seeing everyone. Everyone gets so busy and it's hard to make time to visit everyone. I'm thinking I'm going to write everyone a letter that was there and send it to them by mail. The written letter is near extinction and I think it'd be a nice surprise for everyone :) Yeah, I'm gonna do that. The food was really really good. There was EVERYTHING from Turkey to Tamales, pastries, wines, champorado. It was really really great. However, I was SO tired because I had gone to the gym earlier that day and ran for 40 minutes and walked for 30 and then did some other things at the gym then I had to go to work from 4-930 and it was very busy. (I made REALLY good money- People seemed to be in a giving kind of mood :) 50 on 190 sounds good to me ;-) and after work I had to come home change and be at my aunts. So I took a muscle relaxer later and felt better. I slept like a baby.
My sister's making dinner later. She's cooking turkey with cranberry...green beans sweet potato fries...and making a Cesar salad. She also got champagne and some desserts and we're watching movies tonight :)
What better way to spend Christmas huh?
I'm wearing one of my Christmas gifts that I got from my cousin Laura and Martha...a plaid purple Betsey Johnson sleep dress :) it's really cute. I love it. and I'm taking the day off today -from the gym just cuz it's Christmas. and because Ive gone everyday this week. I don't really feel like doing anything so I think that's what I'm gonna do. nothing really just rest relax.
oh by the way I haven't gone out in a while but I love it. I've just been focusing on me and reflecting on the past year and everything and it's really rewarding just staying home. I kind of like being home and taking it easy. bars and friends are kind of a waste of time. I'm just being honest.
I haven't drank alcohol in over 2 months. I quit smoking cigarettes-that was just a stupid phase I was going through. and I've been going to the gym 5 days a week. I'm also following my own little food diet- I'm avoiding breads, gluten, White sugar, anything processed or pasteurized and as much soy and dairy as possible. I've been eating alot of whole foods like fruits and veggies nuts seeds grains and lean protein like range free chicken or salmon. I've been drinking water like a fish lately. Sometimes I think I make myself sick from drinking so much. -EW, last night at work everyone was eating food from the restaurant after their shifts were over like Prime rib and 5 cheese potatoes and bread with butter and deep fried chicken stips and zucchini it was so gross. I cant believe I used to eat that junk. I left as soon as I was done I didn't eat that much at my aunts either I just had fruit and a cookie that my sisters made while I was at work they were sugar cookies and were actually really good :)
Last night was New Years Eve, and that's when me and my extended family(that lives here) get together to celebrate Christmas. We celebrated at my aunts house which is also in Huntington Beach. More family than I expected to be there was there and it was soo good seeing everyone. Everyone gets so busy and it's hard to make time to visit everyone. I'm thinking I'm going to write everyone a letter that was there and send it to them by mail. The written letter is near extinction and I think it'd be a nice surprise for everyone :) Yeah, I'm gonna do that. The food was really really good. There was EVERYTHING from Turkey to Tamales, pastries, wines, champorado. It was really really great. However, I was SO tired because I had gone to the gym earlier that day and ran for 40 minutes and walked for 30 and then did some other things at the gym then I had to go to work from 4-930 and it was very busy. (I made REALLY good money- People seemed to be in a giving kind of mood :) 50 on 190 sounds good to me ;-) and after work I had to come home change and be at my aunts. So I took a muscle relaxer later and felt better. I slept like a baby.
My sister's making dinner later. She's cooking turkey with cranberry...green beans sweet potato fries...and making a Cesar salad. She also got champagne and some desserts and we're watching movies tonight :)
What better way to spend Christmas huh?
I'm wearing one of my Christmas gifts that I got from my cousin Laura and Martha...a plaid purple Betsey Johnson sleep dress :) it's really cute. I love it. and I'm taking the day off today -from the gym just cuz it's Christmas. and because Ive gone everyday this week. I don't really feel like doing anything so I think that's what I'm gonna do. nothing really just rest relax.
oh by the way I haven't gone out in a while but I love it. I've just been focusing on me and reflecting on the past year and everything and it's really rewarding just staying home. I kind of like being home and taking it easy. bars and friends are kind of a waste of time. I'm just being honest.
I haven't drank alcohol in over 2 months. I quit smoking cigarettes-that was just a stupid phase I was going through. and I've been going to the gym 5 days a week. I'm also following my own little food diet- I'm avoiding breads, gluten, White sugar, anything processed or pasteurized and as much soy and dairy as possible. I've been eating alot of whole foods like fruits and veggies nuts seeds grains and lean protein like range free chicken or salmon. I've been drinking water like a fish lately. Sometimes I think I make myself sick from drinking so much. -EW, last night at work everyone was eating food from the restaurant after their shifts were over like Prime rib and 5 cheese potatoes and bread with butter and deep fried chicken stips and zucchini it was so gross. I cant believe I used to eat that junk. I left as soon as I was done I didn't eat that much at my aunts either I just had fruit and a cookie that my sisters made while I was at work they were sugar cookies and were actually really good :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Okay so it's been raining forever now. and it's really depressing. I hate the weather. It puts me in a glum mood and I seriously can't handle anymore of it. Where the fuck is the sun. I had to drive again in the pouring rain and it's the most annoying thing ever. I drive like an old person because I can't see anything. The sky was so ugly today. It was all white. White sucks! it's bland and boring. the skys supposed to be blue wtf. turn blue! be sunny I really am not happy. I don't understand whats going on. i know it's winter but its also California and It's never like this. This weather makes me not want to smile at people in the grocery store or say thank you I really don't want to say excuse me I could care less about being polite right now. I don't even feel like talking. I haven't really. I've been mopping around the house in a silent kind of semblance. I just need it to stop raining and being grey. My cat took a dump on the carpet today. Very out of character for him but I obviously had to clean it up. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever done - I'm not exaggerating and I wanted to vomit. Reminded me of how much I am NOT looking forward to having babies. sicking. God, I am so morose. I blame on the forecast. Since I'm in the toilet right now I'll just put my little Christmas rant out there. I don't want to say I hate Christmas but i think i fucking hate Christmas. I'm officially the worst person in the world or just Scrooge. Whatever. There are many reasons why I DISLIKE this holiday and time of year.
#1. every single store is filled with people and it's noisy and there's Christmas music and it makes me nauseous. I cant stand going to a store. I went into target today to pick up a prescription and it was total chaos. why do people feel like they HAVE TO buy people gifts? It's so ridiculous. I'll give someone a gift when I feel like I have found something they would like or use. I'm not buying people anything just because its Christmas that's dumb. Christmas is so commercialized, secularized and Its all a big business to me. Christmas tree buying and tinsels and wrapping paper and bows Christmas cards and tissue paper ugh makes me sick. I just feel like hibernating until its all over. I do like a few Christmas songs but that's about it. I'm not very religious so I don't celebrate baby jesus's birth. I just don't but if I did I would probably go to church on Christmas and call it a day. I really don't care about gift giving or gift receiving. and I'm not cheap I'm poor. there's a big difference. I looked up the word "poor" and I think I definitely fit the description....POOR:having little or no money, goods, or other means of support.
yip. I'm as poor as a church mouse.
#1. every single store is filled with people and it's noisy and there's Christmas music and it makes me nauseous. I cant stand going to a store. I went into target today to pick up a prescription and it was total chaos. why do people feel like they HAVE TO buy people gifts? It's so ridiculous. I'll give someone a gift when I feel like I have found something they would like or use. I'm not buying people anything just because its Christmas that's dumb. Christmas is so commercialized, secularized and Its all a big business to me. Christmas tree buying and tinsels and wrapping paper and bows Christmas cards and tissue paper ugh makes me sick. I just feel like hibernating until its all over. I do like a few Christmas songs but that's about it. I'm not very religious so I don't celebrate baby jesus's birth. I just don't but if I did I would probably go to church on Christmas and call it a day. I really don't care about gift giving or gift receiving. and I'm not cheap I'm poor. there's a big difference. I looked up the word "poor" and I think I definitely fit the description....POOR:having little or no money, goods, or other means of support.
yip. I'm as poor as a church mouse.
it's been raining here for the past week. It's making me depressed. I couldn't imagine living in Oregon or one of those states where its always gloomy like this. I'd probably die before even getting to write about it. Anyway, it's Tuesday Dec. 21st. 2010. I've been going to the gym 5 days a week stomachs still flabby as shit but i don't care because I feel so much better after leaving the gym. I like pushing myself as much as I can and seeing how far I can go. I love being drenched in my own sweat. I know that's disgusting but I'm not there to impress anyone. So bring it on.
There not much to do now that school is over. Actually, I take that back there's alot I can do there's just nothing i HAVE to do like homework or assigned reading ya dig? but nonetheless, I've been keeping busy by going to work, reading articles out of magazines, reading short stories, highlighting and cutting out pictures and things from magazines, working out, and watching movie here and there. Last night was nice, I watched a movie with my whole family we hadn't had the time to do it in a while but we did last night and I really enjoyed it. It wasn't planned we just all happened to be home on a cold and rainy day :) We watched The Kids Are Alright it was a different kind of movie very open-minded but quaint. I liked it.
Although I've been working my butt off on the elliptical I've been having a hard time sleeping. You'd think I'd be tired but I'm not. I don't really mind it though. Last night I couldn't sleep so I pulled a few things from the top self of my closet. Old writing assignments I kept from my English classes, poems mostly Bukowski, Atwood, and a 12x12 Black photo album that stored old pictures. I forgot about those pictures, those times and how fast time flys. How we change. It didn't make me sad. I wasn't nostalgic at all. That was then. I probably sound like a cold hearted person....but that's just me. I don't like living in the past dwelling on what was and all that. Pictures are nice they remind you of what you were doing your sophomore or junior year, what you wore who you hung out with but I don't wish I could go back.
In fact, I pulled the pages full of collages out from the transparent plastic slips and put the pictures away in a box. I'm going to use the black album to hold all of my favorite things. cut outs of articles, lyrics, quotes, anything and everything I want. I find that much more useful.
So I've been thinking (like always)about what it is I really enjoy doing, I enjoy doing alot of things but what to make my main focus....and I want to pursue acting- NOT for the fame just for the fun of it. I like to take on different characters and roles and see what's like to be something else. It sounds fun. Also, I'm going to continue writing. I want to take a writing class or join a writing group. whatever gets me to write more will be fine. I think it's especially important for me to be really honest with myself right now because I'm about to start a new chapter in my life. I'm going to immerse myself to a whole new city and I need not just want but NEED a purpose to be out there. I just want to try a new hobby and conquer my fears. yeah, I just admitted that I have fears. Whew. I'm an actual person! But I can change that and I will. Like Baz Luhrmann said in his class of '99 speech, "Do something everyday that scares you". It's hard to do something that scares you everyday but I can at least try. :) So I'm gonna put myself out there and just be me. I don't need to prove anything and I don't need to be anything I am just going to do what makes me happy. I want to discover myself.
and okay...just so I get this out of the way..Last night I cried, I thought I was a huge mess and felt very confused and maybe I am. I'm starting to realize now that sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down but that's life I'm not always going to be super happy or content so whatever emotion I am feeling I am going to embrace it.
I have the day off today which feels a little weird I'm not used to having a whole day to myself. The possibilities are endless. I could literally write until night. I could try to read as many articles as I can. Ugh it all sounds so nice. I could sleep-yuck, which would be SUCH a waste. No sleeping, at least not yet.
Unfortunately, my days off are limited as school (winter inter session) will be starting again Jan. 3rd. I'm going to try to get a geology class with a lab and a math class before Spring semester starts -Feb 14th :-/
Well, I'm gonna get to it. I have a couple exciting things to read and do.
Due to some of the content on this particular blog I am going to end it with a quote by Kerouac I find fitting :)
“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.””
There not much to do now that school is over. Actually, I take that back there's alot I can do there's just nothing i HAVE to do like homework or assigned reading ya dig? but nonetheless, I've been keeping busy by going to work, reading articles out of magazines, reading short stories, highlighting and cutting out pictures and things from magazines, working out, and watching movie here and there. Last night was nice, I watched a movie with my whole family we hadn't had the time to do it in a while but we did last night and I really enjoyed it. It wasn't planned we just all happened to be home on a cold and rainy day :) We watched The Kids Are Alright it was a different kind of movie very open-minded but quaint. I liked it.
Although I've been working my butt off on the elliptical I've been having a hard time sleeping. You'd think I'd be tired but I'm not. I don't really mind it though. Last night I couldn't sleep so I pulled a few things from the top self of my closet. Old writing assignments I kept from my English classes, poems mostly Bukowski, Atwood, and a 12x12 Black photo album that stored old pictures. I forgot about those pictures, those times and how fast time flys. How we change. It didn't make me sad. I wasn't nostalgic at all. That was then. I probably sound like a cold hearted person....but that's just me. I don't like living in the past dwelling on what was and all that. Pictures are nice they remind you of what you were doing your sophomore or junior year, what you wore who you hung out with but I don't wish I could go back.
In fact, I pulled the pages full of collages out from the transparent plastic slips and put the pictures away in a box. I'm going to use the black album to hold all of my favorite things. cut outs of articles, lyrics, quotes, anything and everything I want. I find that much more useful.
So I've been thinking (like always)about what it is I really enjoy doing, I enjoy doing alot of things but what to make my main focus....and I want to pursue acting- NOT for the fame just for the fun of it. I like to take on different characters and roles and see what's like to be something else. It sounds fun. Also, I'm going to continue writing. I want to take a writing class or join a writing group. whatever gets me to write more will be fine. I think it's especially important for me to be really honest with myself right now because I'm about to start a new chapter in my life. I'm going to immerse myself to a whole new city and I need not just want but NEED a purpose to be out there. I just want to try a new hobby and conquer my fears. yeah, I just admitted that I have fears. Whew. I'm an actual person! But I can change that and I will. Like Baz Luhrmann said in his class of '99 speech, "Do something everyday that scares you". It's hard to do something that scares you everyday but I can at least try. :) So I'm gonna put myself out there and just be me. I don't need to prove anything and I don't need to be anything I am just going to do what makes me happy. I want to discover myself.
and okay...just so I get this out of the way..Last night I cried, I thought I was a huge mess and felt very confused and maybe I am. I'm starting to realize now that sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down but that's life I'm not always going to be super happy or content so whatever emotion I am feeling I am going to embrace it.
I have the day off today which feels a little weird I'm not used to having a whole day to myself. The possibilities are endless. I could literally write until night. I could try to read as many articles as I can. Ugh it all sounds so nice. I could sleep-yuck, which would be SUCH a waste. No sleeping, at least not yet.
Unfortunately, my days off are limited as school (winter inter session) will be starting again Jan. 3rd. I'm going to try to get a geology class with a lab and a math class before Spring semester starts -Feb 14th :-/
Well, I'm gonna get to it. I have a couple exciting things to read and do.
Due to some of the content on this particular blog I am going to end it with a quote by Kerouac I find fitting :)
“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.””
Monday, December 20, 2010
2 Weeks now?
Dear Blog.
I've been missing. I know. I haven't wrote in a while just because so much has been going on that I haven't even had to figure things out let alone collect my thoughts and write! but I'm here. I feel alot better now than I did just a few days ago. I've been really stressed out lately. I never really stress because it's absolutely pointless but I couldn't help it. I had alot going on but I finally feel a little better. Thanks to my sister, dad and the gym. So school is over and I'm so glad because it's one less thing to worry about. Since school got out I have been working out almost everyday. It's been helping me so much. I just run as much as I can and I tune everything out it's such a stress reliever. I've lost a little weight since school got out which was my plan. I have a goal I want to meet by New Years Eve. which is looking very promising. It's actually only been 4 days since school got out but SO much has happened since then! Life just keeps happening. of course :) I've worked every night since Thursday today is Monday...and I work every day this week Except Tuesday. which I'm trying to pick up. The reason I'm trying to work so much is because I'm moving on the 27th. and once I'm gone I'm going to have to find a job in LA and until I get hired someplace else than I can say goodbye to my jobs here for good. A few people think the idea of commuting from LA to HB is ridiculous but I'm not one of those people that can just NOT WORK. The idea of being JOBLESS right now just gives me anxiety and stresses me out. So I'm blocking everyone's opinions out and doing what I feel is right. I'm very excited for the move and I have been sending out my resume to a ton of places. If I had a job out there I would feel a lot better but I'm not going to worry about it because I know I'll find something :)
So I have found a nice home for Kitty. He's going to a couple with a 7 year old daughter. think he'll be in good hands. He's getting neutered today and tomorrow my sis and I will be dropping him off. My sis went into surgery earlier this week and can't do much for a while maybe 2 weeks? So she's been letting my use her car to get to work and such. it's crazy how much I get done with a car. For the past 4 days I have been going to the gym showering and getting ready at the gym and going to work it's an amazing feeling of freedom and independence! I need a car. For the millionth time! February can't come soon enough.
I really hope I get this New Years Eve off. :-/
Natalie.
I've been missing. I know. I haven't wrote in a while just because so much has been going on that I haven't even had to figure things out let alone collect my thoughts and write! but I'm here. I feel alot better now than I did just a few days ago. I've been really stressed out lately. I never really stress because it's absolutely pointless but I couldn't help it. I had alot going on but I finally feel a little better. Thanks to my sister, dad and the gym. So school is over and I'm so glad because it's one less thing to worry about. Since school got out I have been working out almost everyday. It's been helping me so much. I just run as much as I can and I tune everything out it's such a stress reliever. I've lost a little weight since school got out which was my plan. I have a goal I want to meet by New Years Eve. which is looking very promising. It's actually only been 4 days since school got out but SO much has happened since then! Life just keeps happening. of course :) I've worked every night since Thursday today is Monday...and I work every day this week Except Tuesday. which I'm trying to pick up. The reason I'm trying to work so much is because I'm moving on the 27th. and once I'm gone I'm going to have to find a job in LA and until I get hired someplace else than I can say goodbye to my jobs here for good. A few people think the idea of commuting from LA to HB is ridiculous but I'm not one of those people that can just NOT WORK. The idea of being JOBLESS right now just gives me anxiety and stresses me out. So I'm blocking everyone's opinions out and doing what I feel is right. I'm very excited for the move and I have been sending out my resume to a ton of places. If I had a job out there I would feel a lot better but I'm not going to worry about it because I know I'll find something :)
So I have found a nice home for Kitty. He's going to a couple with a 7 year old daughter. think he'll be in good hands. He's getting neutered today and tomorrow my sis and I will be dropping him off. My sis went into surgery earlier this week and can't do much for a while maybe 2 weeks? So she's been letting my use her car to get to work and such. it's crazy how much I get done with a car. For the past 4 days I have been going to the gym showering and getting ready at the gym and going to work it's an amazing feeling of freedom and independence! I need a car. For the millionth time! February can't come soon enough.
I really hope I get this New Years Eve off. :-/
Natalie.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Four Agreements
from don Miguel Ruiz book.
Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
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